


Retrainers

by Bowser_Sourpuss_Bread



Series: Tales From The Garreg Mach School of Peace: My Three Houses Modern AU [5]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: "My empathy is bumming me out....", AKA: the better way to eat Pop Tarts, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cold Pop Tarts, Dimitri's Therapy Rats, Edelgard does not understand "video game words", Gen, Hilda is better at Smash than Claude, Much to Claude's chagrin, Neither does Hubert, Super Smash Brothers - Freeform, Swear Words, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:14:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22696948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bowser_Sourpuss_Bread/pseuds/Bowser_Sourpuss_Bread
Summary: A series of unfortunate events cause a plan for "self-improvement," a retainer swap, to go awry....
Series: Tales From The Garreg Mach School of Peace: My Three Houses Modern AU [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1629751
Kudos: 27





	Retrainers

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Cindered Shadows Day! I hope to start my adventure with The Ashen Wolves later this week. :P
> 
> In honor of getting the three house leaders together in canon, the three house leaders have come together in this fic... to resist change! (Yay?)

Claude von Riegan, heir to Leicester, straight outta Almyra, drops to his knees, raises his arms to the sky, and cries out to The Goddess. “No..!” His head snaps to Hilda. His friend is brimming with pride over her victory. “That counter was  _ cheap _ !”

She shrugs. “Face it, Claudie-kins. I’m just  _ better _ at Smash than you.”

No! Unacceptable! He can’t be The Meme King of The Golden Deer if he isn’t also The Smash King! How else would he defend his title!? “Another round! The stages were set to normal! The real 1-v-1s happen on Battlefield Mode!”

Hilda rolls her eyes. “Claude, we played on Battlefield.”

The music was distracting him. Yes, that was it. They should go into settings and turn off the music. And if for some reason he fails  _ again _ , they should turn off the character voices. And if things get really bad, he’ll say it’s his controller. “But-”

That is when the door to their room slams open. “CLAUDE!” Edelgard von Hresvelg, princess of Adrestia, the most powerful nation in Fodlan, once the masters of the largest empire in the world, roars. Hilda shoots a significant look at him. He doesn’t know what she could have found out, honest! She doesn’t look convinced, so she “goes to the bathroom” as Edelgard stomps up to him. He bought Nintendo Switch Pro Controllers for her, and  _ this _ is how she repays him? Tragedy. Truly.

The true tragedy is that Claude really doesn’t know what Edelgard could be so angry about, so he doesn’t know what method to use to de-escalate the situation. Ideally, she’ll blurt it out- “Why in the  _ world _ are we switching retainers!?”

Hilda bursts out of the bathroom. “What!?” she shrieks.

“I know!” Edelgard barks back at her. And now  _ two _ lovely ladies that can beat him into a pulp are glaring at him.

But Claude has the information he needs. “This is news to me! Really, I’m not your guy!” He looks to Hilda and bats his, as she once declared them, “freakishly perfect eyelashes.”

Hilda comes to his side. “It’s true! If this were one of Claude’s schemes, he  _ would have told me _ .” That scheme he didn’t tell her about was for her own surprise birthday party! It was the first year they’d been together! He’s the hardly the bad guy for getting her tastes so wrong! Although… Yeah, it was pretty bad…

The princess’ face snaps to his. “Then who was it!?”

And there… There is where he’s truly stumped. It bothers him. When he misses his beat, Hilda looks at him. She can’t stifle the gasp when she realizes that he really doesn’t know.

Normally, he’d be a bit upset that his air of mystique was punctured, but Claude knows that it was that gasp, not his own defense, that convinced Edelgard of the truth.

* * *

That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t implicate him  _ again _ , though, the next day, when she summons him and Dimitri to… a location. Claude would have preferred to be in an actual room, as opposed to one of the creepy-ass ruins around the school, but he’ll play along with Edelgard’s paranoia.

She is genuinely contrite, though, as she turns to Dimitri. “I’m sorry to spring this information on you so suddenly, but I knew that you needed to be prepared.”

The leader of The Blue Lions blinks. Er… Winks? “You did not tell me  _ suddenly _ . Dedue told me as soon as the idea came to his head.”

Claude spits out the soda he’d managed to snag before Edelgard dragged him off. He’s busy coughing, but Edelgard’s reaction speaks for him too. “DEDUE!? What was  _ Dedue _ thinking!?”

Dimitri winces at her screeching.  _ Winces _ ! Like  _ he’s _ the one in pain! “I was reluctant at first myself, I must admit. However, after speaking with him about his reasons, I believe that this will be a valuable experience for everyone involved.” He sweeps a lock of blonde hair away from his eye. It settles over his eyepatch. “Dedue wants to better himself as a retainer. He wants to learn about how other leaders operate.”

“Well, I’m very happy with Hilda,” Claude scoffs.

“And I with Hubert,” Edelgard adds.

But the prince of Faerghus shakes his head. “There’s more to it than that. He… He is worried about what would happen, should the worst happen to a retainer.”

“If something were to befall Hubert, I would begin the replacement process with their own list of contacts. That way, I would already know that they would be able to do the things Hubert currently does for me.”

“Uh… Morbid?” Claude is quick to interject. “But, yeah, I’d start the search with my own list of criteria. That’d be different from your list-” He gives Edelgard a pointed look. “-or  _ yours _ .”

“Of course! And those are excellent plans! But he has been wondering if there is a good routine or strategy or plan that-” And the words are falling out of Dimitri like a melting ice cream. Claude would normally feel bad for him. But these aren’t normal circumstances. “Dedue will explain it much better than I ever could, Edelgard, if you still have reservations.”

“Edelgard!?” Claude yelps. “What about me? I have  _ reservations _ too!”

“I think Hubert will do a splendid job with you, Claude.”  _ Hubert _ !? If Claude weren’t so put-together, he would faint on the spot. Hubert doesn’t know how to play Smash. Hubert doesn’t laugh at his jokes. Hubert is the shadiest person on campus, and Claude  _ hates _ being outdone.

Edelgard plays her trump card: playing to the commonly-held value of free will. “Well, what if Hubert does not want to?”

At that moment, Dimitri’s phone pings. Claude can see how large the text is. It’s so large that he can nearly read it himself, but the prince narrates anyway. “ _ The other retainer and Hilda have agreed. _ ”

“And Hilda!?” Claude balks.

“How!?” Edelgard demands.

Dimitri summarizes Dedue’s report: Hubert and Hilda decided that it was not, in fact, Dedue’s sick idea of “self-improvement” but a competition. Who was the best at their job? The one who could make a completely different person the happiest! Flawless logic!

But Claude wouldn’t be being honest with himself if he didn’t highlight in his mind that he was worried about himself, sure, but he was more concerned about how the others would fare…

* * *

Claude swears that he heard a knocking. But that was in the middle of the night on Saturday. It must have been a part of his dream. It’s the one where he can’t find his classroom. Again. But then the knocking stops, and he drifts back to sleep, and he gets a better dream. He defeats Hilda. He is crowned Smash King of The Golden Deer- No, the whole school, and he’s about to face off for title of Smash King of the world when…

Something flicks at his nose. Claude, still half-asleep, paws at the air in front of him. “Your schemes are no match for mine..! I’ve given you drifty Joy-Cons..!”

“Please never talk to me about your  _ Joy-Con _ again.”

Hang on. That’s a voice. Some _ thing _ doesn’t have a voice, but some _ one _ does… Fingers flick at his nose again. This time, Claude is prepared, grabbing the hand. It’s a lithe hand. Way too delicate to be Hilda’s. But it’s wearing gloves. It’s not even cold out. Who wears gloves inside..? His curiosity piqued, Claude cracks open an eye. And screams.

“The feeling is mutual,” Hubert von Vestra deadpans. They yank open the shades of Claude’s window. The Leicester heir can’t help but hiss, like  _ he’s _ the vampire.

“Hubert..! The fuck..?”

“It is 7 AM. You should not be surprised by the presence of the sun.”

“I’m not surprised by  _ the sun _ !” Claude yelps, still shielding his eyes. “I’m surprised by  _ you _ !”

A slippery, smug sort of smirk. Edelgard has said that they can make other faces, but Claude doesn’t believe her. “Claude von Riegan, do you know what day it is?”

“No,” the young man answers definitively, throwing a pillow over his poor, poor face. “Not a class day.”

Something in Hubert’s voice  _ shifts _ . “It… It is Saturday.” But then it’s back to its slimy self. Thank goodness. Claude doesn’t want to drift into Hubert’s inner circle: one of the circles of hell. “It is the day of the retainer swap.”

“Damn… During our Smash day…”

The door to his room slams open. Claude shoots up, terrified that Edelgard has somehow decided that she is going to “learn about how other leaders operate” too. But there isn’t Edelgard. There’s only Hubert, halfway out the door. When Claude looks at them quizzically, they reply, “Call for me when you are ready to treat yourself and others with respect.” And then they’re gone. On one hand, sweet! He can go back to bed! On the other hand, the damage has already been done, and… Claude whips out his phone and shoots a text to Edelgard. He’d feel bad for waking her up at 7 AM on a Saturday, except she kept saying this was all his fault.  _ did i offend hubert??? :o _

She responds within 5 minutes like the crazy person that she is.  _ That depends. What did you say to them? _

Claude tells her what he said verbatim because he’s not convinced that Hubert isn’t “reporting his behavior” to her at the exact same time.  _ I understand their confusion. Those are video game words. _ And, wow, can Edelgard sound like a grandma sometimes!  _ However, even you must concede that your language could be misconstrued as sexual. _

_ huberts a prude??? :eggplant: _

_ And you wonder why they might just find you offensive. _ Claude can hear the text in her voice. Isn’t that scary?  _ No, Hubert was concerned about you objectifying Hilda. _

_ hildas pan!!! _ >image attached: pansexualprideflag

_ Hubert knows. They are in the GSRM Club as well. Surely, then, you know about the epidemic of sexual objectification of pansexual people. _

_ Id never do that to hilda shes my bestie _

_ Hubert does not know you as well as I do. _ And since Edelgard doesn’t know Claude  _ at all _ … Claude pads out into The Golden Deer common room. To his surprise, Hubert isn’t the only one out there. Marianne is too, and she looks  _ terrified _ . “Hey!” He beckons the retainer into his room. He hisses an apology to Marianne, but she just looks confused. Damn. Normally, he’d call on Hilda, but apparently she’s with  _ Dimitri _ … He settles for shooting a text off to Lysithea explaining the situation. Her immediate response is great on one hand, but on the other hand, that means the pain has been interfering with her sleep… He'll do something for her. Hubert is staring. Later.

* * *

Hilda Valentine Goneril had had no idea how good she had it. The night before the swap, Dedue had given her a “list of tasks.” She had balked at it.

“ _ Make sure he eats _ ? What am I, his  _ babysitter _ !?”

Dedue was already a huge guy, but he seemed to magically grow at her comment. “No. You are to be his retainer for the day. That includes helping him maintain his mental and physical health.”

“Can’t he do that himself?” she had asked then.

“Not yet,” Dedue had answered, and she sensed that maybe once, the answer would have been a flat-out no.

She considered backing out of the deal right then and there. After all, it was Dedue’s idea, and if he felt that Dimitri was somehow  _ unsafe _ with her… But no. That’d be cruel, and it’d only confirm what she knew he and Hubert thought about her. She doesn’t do much, but she refuses to not get credit for what she does do!

But this is a lot, and Dimitri called it a  _ decent _ day. Hilda had been surprised by his lack of concern with his body. Well, except for his eyepatch. Dimitri had been insistent on “tending to the wound” on his own. On one hand, yay body positivity! On the other hand, yikes… The prince really doesn’t take care of himself. Underneath his layers of clothing (yes, plural), his ribs are showing and his skin is clammy. But he so nonchalantly declares that he “isn’t hungry” that Hilda nearly believes him until she imagines Claude in his place, and a spike of empathy nearly takes her breath away. It’s  _ really _ bumming her out!

She manages to convince him to have  _ some _ cereal, but then he opens the rat cage, and they come scurrying out, and she couldn’t help but  _ shriek _ because he hadn’t given her any  _ warning _ , and she runs out of the room and slams the door behind her.

* * *

Edelgard is sitting up in her bed when Dedue Molinaro arrives. She grills him about his idea but decides that she has faith in Hubert’s abilities to “have things continue on-schedule, despite the setback.” Dedue is not a fool; he knows that she will not tell him what those “things” are, but keeping his own research in mind… He decides that it is safer that he does not know.

“May I go to the dining hall and get you some breakfast, My Lady?”

“No need. I can go to the dining hall myself. I will get dressed first.” She leaves no room for dispute and makes her threat crystal clear yet opaque enough when she warns him not to “touch anything.”

As the princess goes into the shower, though, Dedue wonders if she realizes how much he can discern through looking alone. There are notebooks that don’t correspond to classes. There are snacks too deliberately organized. Most interestingly of all, Dedue knows how they hide medical equipment in youth wards of hospitals. He supposes that Edelgard perhaps does not know how much time he has spent in such places with his liege, but considering that  _ Hubert _ is her retainer… When she emerges, Edelgard studies him. He is sure of it now: This is a test.

He refuses to reflect poorly on his lord.

* * *

Hubert refuses to sit down in his room. “Hey… You know I do clean this place, right?”

“Someone must, and I know it is not Hilda.”

True. But also. Ow. “I’m sorry for, uh, skeeving you out? Although I also gotta tell ya that I was talking about video games? Yeah. Hilda and I play video games.”

“I shall note that.”

Hubert likes information, so… They’re good, right? “We good?”

“My tolerance for you remains as low as ever.” You know what? Claude appreciates their honesty. “Come. I can not stand wasting any more time.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Claude steps between the retainer and the door. “Who said I was wasting time?”

“I did.” They attempt to push through him, and, wow, fun fact: Hubert is  _ puny _ . Can still can kill him by pulling on the right strings, but. Claude stashes away a tidbit of his own.

“C’mon, we can eat in here. I have Pop Tarts.”

“The microwave in The Golden Deer common room is broken, and you are still in your sleepwear.”

“A) Yes. 2) So? You can eat Pop Tarts cold. C) I go out like this all the time.” Claude whips up from his perusal of his snacks. Hubert is gripping the wall like it is a lifeline. He quirks a brow. “You don’t ever go out in your PJs?” Silence. “Do you  _ have _ PJs?”

“I am going to get a  _ real _ breakfast. I will return shortly.”

“Hey!” Claude calls out after him. “You don’t leave Edelgard hangin’ like this, do ya?”

* * *

At first, Hilda doesn’t hear him. She’s scrolling through her feeds, absentmindedly twirling a strand of pink hair with her index finger.

She kinda can’t  _ not _ hear him, though, when he bursts out  _ screaming _ . “HOPE!? HOPE!?”

“What the fuck!?” No overcoat. Cool. But he’s charging through the Triangle of Unity like a bull in a china shop, and she knows  _ some people _ like to  _ sleep in _ !

“Dimitri! Dimitri!” She approaches him carefully, like when Marianne feels so trapped that she might explode. “What’s wrong!?”

“Hope…” he murmurs, and that’s above several layers of incoherent mumbling. “Hope is missing… I don’t know how she got out...”

She remembers Dedue’s list. It said that Dimitri has three therapy rats: Determination, Felicity, and Hope. That answers that question. As for how she got out… Well, there was only one person who opened the door while the rats were out… Hilda chooses to not mention that part. “What does she look like? I’ll help you look for her!”

The prince opens his mouth, but this time, all that comes out is… word salad. At the look of confusion on her face, Dimitri’s face whitens, and he looks like he wants to hide in the folds of his already thin shirts. “Hey… It’s OK,” she reassures him. “Words are hard! Do you have a picture of her?” He nearly smashes his phone into her face, but living with Claude’s shenanigans has honed her reaction time. Her eyes need a second to adjust, but there, in the picture, is a black rat. “Black rat. Gotcha!”

* * *

He follows behind Edelgard dutifully to the dining hall. He offers to stand on line for her and return with the food she requests, as he often does for His Highness, but the princess seems to be obstinately refusing his assistance. Dedue has a theory about why, but he has seen Hubert serve similar functions. Could it be that she does not trust him? Is it because he is of Duscur? Does she fear being seen as too friendly with Faerghus? It is no secret that she and Hubert can be  _ critical _ of the Garreg Mach School of Peace.

His spiral of musings occupies him until he sees Edelgard approaching his table with her tray of food. He can not help the trill in his heart when he sees a well-balanced meal. He also can not help how he dives for her when she sees  _ something _ and stumbles and falls-

It is too late, however. She lands harshly on her arm. She can not stifle the cry of pain that comes out. By the time Dedue helps her up, though, she is already explaining it away. “I was startled, that is all. I thought I saw something run by.” Dedue doesn’t say anything to that end. He makes her test the arm. “It’s not broken,” she tells him.

“I agree. But we should still go to Professor Manuela to get a more specific diagnosis.”

To his surprise, there isn’t fear at the mention of medical help, but rather… Yes, Dedue is sure of it: embarrassment. “And my clothes are ruined too… What a farce…”

Dedue looks around. “There is no one watching, Edelgard.”

She looks him in the eye. There is a resigned sort of sadness there. “Oh, Dedue… There is  _ always _ someone watching.”

* * *

Hubert “let slip” that they had not seen anyone at the dining hall, only a mysterious mess from someone's way-more-healthy-than-his breakfast.

“No!” Claude told them. “I’m  _ committed _ to my cold Pop Tart now!”

They ate while still standing up. No crumbs or anything. Claude would be lying to himself if he didn’t acknowledge that he was a bit jealous. Both he and Hilda are messy eaters, and it makes more cleaning work for him. “Is there something that you require of me?” Oh. He was staring at them for too long. Shit! Now he needs to come up with-

Two pings. Claude and Hubert look at their phones at the same time. They see the same thing: A ping to everyone on the Discord server shared between the three houses. There is a picture of a black rat. It has gone missing.

“Oh no.” Claude and Hubert look up at each other. No… They couldn’t be on the same wavelength… Could they?

* * *

Hilda would be lying if she said she hoped someone  _ else _ would answer her call for help. “Hilda!” Claude and Hubert call out to her at the same time. They stop. Stare at each other. Spooky.

She’d take the time to  _ think _ more on that, but Dimitri is having a crisis. “Her name is Hope! She’s a black rat! If you can find her, pick her up -don’t drop her- and bring her here!”

“Why don’t  _ you _ look?”

Hilda doesn’t have time for Hubert’s bullshit. “Because I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but Dimitri is very strong and can snap you in two.”

Even underneath the sunglasses, the girl can  _ see _ how their eyes flit over to the prince, as if they’re doing some calculations in their head… She looks to Claude for help. Her bestie grabs the idiot by one of their gloved hands. “Aye-aye, Captain!” he quips. “I’m gonna need your help, Hubert!”

Hubert’s attention snaps back to Claude. “Of course you are.”

_ Clever, Claudie, clever… _ Hilda turns back to Dimitri. She doubts the same strategy will work on  _ him _ , though…

* * *

To Edelgard’s credit, she looks  _ very _ dignified, even with the arm brace. Professor Manuela explains that it’s a sprain and makes the duo recite the RICE protocol. Edelgard looks like she’s about to just grab some ice from the nurse’s office and continue… whatever she was planning on doing. Dedue is about to say exactly what she does  _ not _ want to hear, failing her test and forever causing her to hate him, when he hears a familiar sound. He looks down. “Hope? What are you doing here?”

Edelgard’s eyes widen. “That was what I saw!”

Hubert and Claude burst in. “Perhaps keep that detail to yourself,” he whispers to her. Claude immediately goes in to grab Hope, but the poor thing squeaks in fear, and Dedue cups his hands around her protectively and holds her over the Leicester heir’s head.

Hubert, on the other hand, rushes to Edelgard’s side and takes the words right out of Dedue’s mouth, citing the importance of following medical instruction to prevent further and/or permanent injury. Dedue’s estimation of Hubert increases then drops right back down as they glare at him with murder in their eyes.

It is Claude who comes to his aid. “We can all be mad at Dedue later! Come on! We have to get back to Dimitri!”

And, yes, Dedue can admit that the execution left something to be desired, but he would be lying if he did not think that what they all learned was valuable. Next time, he resolves to simply call a meeting to talk about their different techniques. Yes, people can lie, but some people will always lie. Like Hilda, who claims that Hope, the old, tiny rat, escaped by climbing out a window. His Highness tells him later that she was instrumental in the search, however.  _ At least she can clean up the messes she makes. _ Perhaps, though, this mess was of his making...


End file.
